Thoughts for today

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? Tasted true delight to have it taken away? Loved the idea of something only to find the reality disappointing? Has the truth ever hurt? Has beauty ever slipped away before you could focus on it? 

Of course we have. We are human, we let beauty slip. But holding onto yesterday creates sorrow. And who has time for that? Let the regret go and embrace tomorrow. Yesterday is gone and today may be your last tomorrow.

My dear friend inspired me to live with no regrets. She lived for what she wanted, when she wanted it. She was selfish and impatient, yet loved by everyone. When she passed away in 2004, I held her sweet hand one last time and promised her I would remember her every day. I refuse to live with regrets. I don't live a wild life, I try to be careful for the sake of my husband, children and lifestyle. But no regrets. I love what I have and wouldn't trade it for anything. But who hasn't let something good slip away? A friendship left to wither? Precious moments with people we love? A night out with friends? 

Its not possible to have it all. We pick and choose the right things at the right times and just try not to mess anything up. Hoping we make the right choices, praying for heavenly advice, we go into the world. Don't forget to leave your footprints in the lives of others, and give yourself all the credit you deserve.

Hopefully All In Time

One day, I'm going to have it all. I'm just that kind of person. 

My greatest wish is a huge chunk of land out here in backwoods Mississippi so I can have a big garden and a couple farm animals. I love to watch nature grow. I love to grow things with my own hands, plant, and nurture. I want to feel the dirt between my fingers and eat the fruits of my labor.

One Day

I want to see my children running with no boundaries, no worry for their safety. I love the safety of my home town. I want to raise animals we can eat, and teach my children to care for them as well. I want the stability of owning something all my own.

I do not see all this happening any time soon. But I know myself, and I know my determination. One way or another I will get it done. Watch and see World, I will get my way!!!

My children and my children's children will enjoy their own little pieces of heaven. Happily ever after won't have to be this hard for them. God willing, I will provide for my loves!

Girls Day!

Today was a total girls day!!! First, my WONDERFUL neighbor Amanda watched little SugarFoot (Anna) so my mom, middle sister and I could go to see Breaking Dawn. My most awesomely wonderful father kept the bigger littles at my house!

So, Mom, S and I headed to the movie theater. Mom's treat! Get to the ticket counter and dearest mother didn't have her debit card. FORGETFUL WOMAN!! Oh wait, I used it last, UGH, my bad. So I paid and she promised to pay me back.

BREAKING DAWN: PART 1. Great movie. Not quite enough of the book in it, but still a wonderful movie. Now I'm just upset the next one will take so long to come to theaters. :(

Then we did some walmart shopping, hit the sporting goods store and came home for Grace's 5th birthday party. Its not actually her birthday, but who wants to party on a Monday?! We had my own version of Chicken Parm, opened lots of presents, then had great cake. Gotta love that Walmart bakery!

All in all this was probably one of the most fun days in a long time. SugarFoot even went to bed at a decent hour. Mom found some old migraine medicine, which makes me ecstatically happy cause its non-narcotic! Now I'm going to finish uploading this dang video to facebook and then hit the wonderful sheets!

New Photo

Went to the hubby's 10 year class reunion a couple weeks ago. Big thanks to my bff, Sissy, for letting me borrow the dress. Not really sure how I ended up looking pregnant in this picture, but I assure you, there is NO baby aboard at this time <3

Husband-napping!

Holidays and family events are coming soon!! This said, I am going to admit, I WANT TO BE SELFISH!! 

I am in desperate need of some ME time. Well, let me rephrase, COUPLE time. I wanna kidnap my hubby and run away! 

I love my family, I love his family, but we need time alone. 

With our financial situation there is no escape in sight. There are bills, doctor visits, work, gifts, etc. that all come before frivolous things. 

My children and their happiness mean more to me that a night on the town, yet I feel held hostage by the four walls of my home.

I am a slave to my own guilt. My parents NEVER had a date when I was a child. I have four sisters, and I never remember my beloved parents leaving us with a sitter to go have fun. I don't even remember my mom getting out of the house alone to grocery shop!

I have high expectations of myself as a mother and I feel I am sabotaging my relationship with my husband to reach these high goals. 

Maybe next payday we will run away. Maybe not...

Gosh I feel like I'm rambling, but these are my thoughts!

Don't worry...

Don't worry about being hungry, I am mom. Don't pick up your toys, I am mom. Don't ask me for anything, I am mom(and moms are psychic). Don't bother trying to help, I am mom. I will cook, clean, wash clothes, pick up after you, clean up after your friends, and keep snacks on hand. I don't mind driving 15 miles to the grocery store every day for what you need. I don't mind using all my time to follow you around making sure you're ok. I will always be right behind you. I am mother, daughter, chef, taxi driver, laundress, etc. And it's all for you.

So smile sweet children, put your worries at bay. I am your mother, I won't go away. 

The 4yr old guilt game...

So my big girl asks me yesterday, "mommy when I grow up and be an actor, will you come to all my plays?" OOH, playing the guilt game already, huh? This is the downside to having an exceptional child. She knows everything. What she doesn't know she asks, or in some cases, makes up her own story... But making me feel like I've let her down, knowing I have been there for everything in her life. This kid isn't just exceptional, she's slick! Her true talent IS theatrics, but who knows what she'll do with it. She could be an actor, or a lawyer, day time TV host, the possibilities are endless.... :)

I'm so very excited it is FINALLY November!!! Cool breeze, yard full of leaves and cute clothes aside, this is the biggest birthday month at my house! My big girl will be 5 and my sweet husband will be 29! My birthday has come and gone and littlest girl has to wait 7 months for her first. As much as we love birthdays, we also LOVE Thanksgiving!! All the families cook and we make trips to each home. I cook on Friday so everyone can come to my place too! TRUTH: I love to cook. I love my family. I love a house full of loud, happy people.

BoYs....?

All of my siblings are girls. I have four sisters, four sister-in-laws, one sweet girl I babysit, and finally a little boy I babysit. The kids I babysit are siblings, my dear friends children. They are dolls. Both are very excited about life and very sweet to me and my babies.


But.... a BOY?!?! What exactly do you do with a two year old boy? So far we build with blocks, play outside, watch tv and practice potty training. He is much more easy-going than my girls. Where is MY boy? Why didn't I get a son??


Well, I'll tell you why. GENETICS!!! My maternal grandmother had 1 boy and 5 girls. My mother has 5 girls, so I am ever-destined to only have girl children. I am so lucky to have a sweet boy to squeeze on, and sweet girls to snuggle all night. I'm pretty sure we're stopping at two children, so there isn't much chance I'll ever have a baby boy of my own to snuggle. And I'm pretty ok with that :)

FUN QUESTIONNAIRE

1. What is your middle name?  Rae

2. How big is your bed? Queen Size. Gotta have room for the munchkins!

3.What are you listening to right now?  Cartoons on Disney Jr.

4. What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number? 6372

5. What was the last thing you ate? crackers with the kiddos

6. Last person you hugged? the sweet boy I  babysit

7. How is the weather right now? too chilly

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My sweet husband

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes

10. Favorite type of Food? hibachi 

11. Do you want children? I have 2

12. Hair color? brown

13. Do you wear contacts?  nope

14. Favorite holiday? Christmas

15. Favorite Season? Spring

16. Have you ever cried over a love lost? well of course I have

17. Last Movie you watched? Casper

18. What books are you reading? None right now. waiting for the next book in the True Blood series :)

19. Piercings? not one.

20. Favorite Movie? When Harry Met Sally

21. Favorite college football team? haha, nope

22. What were you doing before filling this out? watching cartoons with the kids

25. Favorite animal?  kitties

26. Favorite drink? diet coke

27. Favorite flower? purple roses

28. Have you ever loved someone? I am madly in love with my wonderful husband

29. Who would you like to see right now?  My mommy.

30. What color are your bedroom walls? some funky flower wall paper

31. Have you ever fired a gun? oh yes

32. Do you like to travel by plane? not really, but it sure is convenient 

33. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right

34. If you could go to any place right now where would you go? Shopping. Probably Old Navy

35. Are you missing someone? Always

36. Do you have a tattoo? On my right shoulder blade

37. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings? I watch cartoons every morning!

38. Are you hiding something from someone right now? I prefer to be honest. Lying is toooo much hassle

39. Are you 18? I used to be...

40. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? Pictures of my babies

41. Are you afraid of the dark? to a degree...

42. Favorite hangout: my living room floor with the kiddos

43. 3 things you can't live without? phone, nicotine, caffeine 

44. Favorite songs? too many, mostly Train songs

45. What are you afraid of? being alone, failure, water, scary movies

46. Are you a giver or a taker? giver to the point of breaking myself.

47. What are your nicknames? kids call me Sashy..

48. What is your dad's middle name? Blake

49. What do you sleep in? pjs....

50. Stuck on a deserted island, and can only bring one thing? food. I'm such an over eater.

51. Favorite TV commercial? Right now the Honda Pilot commercial with the kids singing. Its awesome

52. First thing you'll save in a fire? CHILDREN

53. What is your favorite color? pinks and purples

54. What are the things you always bring with you? phone, keys, purse, children

55. What did you want to be when you were a kid? a doctor 

56. What do you usually do when the alarm turns on? hit the snooze

57. What color is your bedsheet?  purple

58. Who do you want to meet? idk, i'm pretty happy with the ones i already know...

59. What do you think about before you go to bed? I pray, for my family, children especially, and friends. I think about my family a lot before I sleep. But last night I caught myself singing BAA BAA BLACKSHEEP. lololol

Some pics!

My newest baby in NICU, this is the first time I saw her after my Csec. 

5 Months old in her skeleton pjs 

 Lovin on her MeMa

 Lovin MeMa's puppy

Just beautiful!!

Caudal WHAT?!

New truths... I have a disabled child. I am horrible at taking care of a newborn. I love that my baby is not trying to grow up too fast... yet... I have a very supportive family and team of doctors. 

Update... My 5mo old has whats called Caudal Regression Syndrome (also known as Sacral Agenesis). This means her spine is not fully formed and she is missing the nerves that correspond with the missing lumbar vertebrae. She is missing half of L3, all of L4 and L5, her sacrum and tailbone. It effects her kidneys, bladder, and all control of her bladder and bowels. She does therapy, but will probably never walk. Cognitively she is fine, which is a huge relief. Her name is Anna Jean, and she was made in God's image, so she is perfect. 

Also, family life is going great! My oldest daughter is doing awesome! She's the best, proudest big sister there ever was! She understands sister is different, but she doesn't pity her. My parents have moved back to my area, which is fantastic. I also have 2 young sisters who still live at home and it's great to see them on a daily basis! I cannot explain how important it is to have your family close. My MIL is also wonderful and takes a great deal off my shoulders by keeping my munchkins for me when I've had all I can take! 

I chose this life, I chose to be the mommy and wife that I am. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom, I'm going to be the best stay at home mom there ever was. I knew my child would have problems when I was pregnant, and I'm so lucky the first diagnoses they gave her were TOTALLY off. I'm luck God trusts me with this beautiful, special child. I'm lucky to have my 4yr old, who is a total genius (she'll tell you if you ask, lol) and a big helper. One day I'll be old and have an empty house, and I want to look back and remember these days and be proud of myself for making my children's lives as wonderful as possible. Today is Halloween, and we can't wait to go trick or treating!!!!! I am such a lucky lady!

Daily Happenings

So, its been a few days since my last post, but things around here are hectic. This Mississippi heat is sucking all my energy, and the dang humidity is weighing me down like a sinking rock. This stinkin heat is a relationship wrecker, let me tell ya. Hubs and I have been arguing a lot lately and I'm blaming the fireworks season. The stress of managing a mega-tent and 100+ temperatures must be to blame. Luckily there is only about a week left and we're home free.
I have to tell you I'm so excited about July and August! July has 3 pay days and that in itself is enough to make me jump for joy! But I am really looking forward to my August trip to Houston to visit my parents! It is so much fun to hang out with them and my 2 youngest sisters that still live at home! My middle sister is going to make the trip with us as well, and that is extra fun, because she has spent almost the entire summer with me. I'm not sure how the new baby will like a long drive, but I guess we'll find out. Since my trip will be after my big fireworks payday maybe I'll do some shopping while in Texas... LOL, probably not.
I've recently conquered some new truths, so here you go:
Just because you love someone does not make them perfect. Children are like mirrors, if you don't like the way they act, examine yourself. Some people are capable of taking you completely off guard, don't underestimate anyone. Your parents will always parent you, regardless of how old you are. Take time to enjoy it, they don't live forever.

Christina, Chrystina

So I had this best friend in middle school, and her name was Christina. We were insepreable from 6th grade to 10th. She had the best outlook on life and was truely fun to be around. About 10th grade we had a difference of opinions on moral values, and had a falling out. We worked at the same fast food joint, but didn't hardly speak there, much less at school. It was a tense, uncomfortable situation that pretty much left me feeling almost hollow. Then for some reason, the summer after our junior year, she decided to be friendly again. Christina always said the craziest things, like " Girl I was so nervous I was sweating like a whore in church" and really insane stuff, like the fact she didn't see a future for herself. She was convinced she would die before she was 20.
 She was so funny, beautiful and always the center of attention. I was so happy to be hanging out with her again. We spent a whole saturday at a waterpark together laughing and having a great time. Then we went to work and it was just like the good old days. That saturday, June 4th, 2004, was the last time I saw my best friend. She had plans to drive down to the gulf coast early the next week to have some car repairs done. She never made it home. She and her mother were both killed in a car accident on their way home from the coast. Funny how fate treats us, huh?
Two years later I was pregnant with my first daughter. What to name this child? I racked my brain of all the family names I liked, all the friends names I liked, I bought the baby name books, everything. But my heart knew. Somewhere deep inside I could not let go of the name Chrystina Grace. Perfect. When she was born I looked in her eyes, and they agreed. Chrystina Grace it was. As my beautiful daughter grows, I can tell I made the right decision. She says the funniest things, sings every song she knows at the top of her lungs, she has deep green eyes you could get lost in (as did my dear friend), and she has a happy, upbeat, light hearted attitude that makes you smile. I hope she goes through life loving her name and loving what it means to me. Today's truth: Love loudly, today may be the last tomorrow.

Explosives

I am a fireworks manager. I run a big tent that is the SUPERCENTER of fireworks. We sell everything there is. Lots of manual labor, lots of downtime, and *hopefully* a fair amount of cash. Not that I can keep the cash, I get a 15% comission. An endless bundle of sunburn, blistered hands, sweat, blood and bruises fill my days during the June-July season. All the crap proceeds the wonderful Main Day. You know, the 4th of July. We celebrate our independance by selling explosives to those of you who have the money to blow stuff up in your backyard. Funny thing is, I would never buy fireworks if I didn't manage a tent. I'm really not that fond of them, and neither is my oldest daughter. But I love the fireworks season! I hire whoever I can, which usually means my sisters and my closest friends end up sitting around laughing, joking, and catching up while waiting patiently for the customers to come to us. We run radio ads and use social networking to let everyone know we're open, but we still have hardly any customers during the beginning and a million on the 4th. I had a c-section 5 weeks ago yet I find myself hauling boxes that weigh more than I do, fixing electrical work, fussing with security systems, using the drill to put together register stands and asking myself WHY? Have I lost my mind?! Its 102 degrees in the shade for heaven's sake!! I haven't seen my children in 2 days for this!! I haven't had a home cooked meal, and won't have a home cooked meal for 2 more weeks!! WHY WHY WHY!!?!? Oh, thats right.. because when you're poor you do whatever you have to. This little seasonal work dropped in my lap and provides 1/3 of my yearly income. That and the gun powder must be laced with something because I find myself drawn toward the sale of fireworks. Something about it seems so wonderful. The whole season I complain and say how much I don't like it, but I'm sad to see it go and ecstatic when its that time again. So, the truth today is..... I'm hopelessly addicted to the sale of fireworks.

THIS is how we roll... back in 2009 anyway...

So this is me, being sneak attacked by a toddler with my camera. Gotta love those munchkins.

The Truth

So, TRUTH. What a powerful word. The truth is I'm a loving wife, devoted mother of two, and we are poor. The truth is my husband works his ass off for next to nothing. The truth is I have a very loving, large, loud, Catholic (immediate) family spread all over the south. The truth is I didn't finish college, instead I decided to get married and have babies. The truth is, I wish I had the time and money to finish college, so we could have more money and a better life. Money may not fix everything, but being able to pay bills on time and have something left over sure would be nice. The truth is I'm tired. Chasing babies, running errands and cleaning house is seriously enough to wear a person out. Tired of running around like a chicken with my head cut off to make everyone else happy. The truth is I'm a people pleaser, so I will ALWAYS go out of my way for others, and if there was no one to make happy I wouldn't be happy.The truth is I am sorta happy. Happy for the ability to have children, happy my husband thinks the earth revolves around our family alone. Happy to have a few friends that I can talk to. Happy I have finally realized my personal life is, in fact, personal and I don't have to share everything with everyone.
But thats enough for now, here are a few "truths": The milk will always be empty or sour the second you need it. Toddlers will always say or do exactly what you told them not to do, because it MUST be fun. Little girl children are born with attitude, and boy children are born with energy. Just because a woman is a mother does not make her an idiot. Teenage pregnancy has gotten out of hand. Gas prices are crazy, but serious job security for my father. Idiots are everywhere, and they are job security for my husband. The southern part of our great country is the most beautiful place ever. Driving through the Rocky Mountains is stressful enough to make you crap your pants. Being poor is a vicious cycle, passed down from generation to generation. The parenting skills of Americans seem to be dwindling. The public school system in this country is enough to scare me. The word "drama" has taken on the worst meaning in the past decade, some people will go out of their way to start crap just so they have something to talk about later. Children see things in the most truthful light, and we should listen to what they think.
That is all for now, Good morning everyone!